Hard Choices

Currently, I am home with all three kids. H is 4.5, E is 2 and J is almost 6 weeks old. I go back to work in about 3 months. That is not a hard choice for me. Though we do need my income, I feel like I am in this lone minority of moms who really like to work.

The hard choices seem hard in the moment. For example, because of the heat and the way the day turns I have been taking my showers at night before bed. At once this seemed like a good time to also take J in with me so she gets a rinse as well. So here comes the choice. As soon as the big girls hear I am taking a shower they want to join me. B, comes immediately to my aid, acknowledging that I need time alone. But I decided to let them join me. All fours of us at once. Does it sound crazy? It is a tiny bit but what part of my day isn't? Why did I make this choice? It was in the end easier. H will clean up by herself, which then E copies. Though they have been with mom all day, that still want more time, they might even consider this special time. It is a hard choice to make because it could have easily been a battle. B is always trying to make sure I take care of my mental self, he would fight for this time for me. And it makes sense that I would want a shower by myself. But this way is less stressful. And I don't mind that I am not by myself. It seems practical in the end. Less tears, saving time and water.

I have been desperately trying to run in the morning. To take care of my physically body. But this has been difficult with J's nursing schedule on top of a late going summer schedule. I have woke up a couple times to run in the morning but wish I could do it more. Like yesterday for example. So I made up my mind that I would run as soon as B got home from work. Once again, he would hold down the fort with no problem if I dug my heals in about wanting to go by myself. I mean, I was just pregnant it would sense that I need to take it easy. But I know that H is going to want to come with me. And then so will E. So I just planned on taking the double runner, prep snacks and make us ready. And it was fantastic. Sure, I got extra weight (how about we call it resistance) but I also get to talk to H almost the whole time (so many questions and thoughts about the world!). But best of all I have the sound of the two sweetest voices in the world chanting "Go mommy go! Wow you are a fast runner mommy! That was the best run yet mommy!" They do this all on their own.

I was just hoping for a nice run and for the girls not to be disappointed. But instead I was surprised about how much more I got from the run then just exercise. It isn't like I learned a lesson or love my children even more. It is more about human value and interaction. About how it can all work out for the better even when it takes a little more work.

I run

Today I ran for the second time since J has joined us. She will be five weeks old on Tuesday and I have a certain level of pride about working out again. I feel good running and thinking. I haven't even taken an ipod with me. I leave the driveway and my first thoughts are a mixture of strength and observation. I feel tall and strong and I think about how I am leaving my whole family behind me. So many times I over hear women talking about how they cannot leave their children. And sometimes it has this despite overwhelmed tone. And I know it is complicated. I know when I leave that B can take care of the girls all by himself. I know that I need these workouts. I know that I think about my girls while I am away but it is never sadly but instead I think of things to share with them. At one point during my run a squirrel was almost running along side of me and I spoke aloud to it "Okay squirrel! Make up your mind and get out of my way." Immediately I think about telling H about this conversation and the crazy squirrel. While out today I saw a dad and young son out and instantly I wonder if the girls are awake yet. The dad smiles at me and I say to him, "You must have gotten up early today" he laughs and nods, "Yep, 6:15" we both giggle and I am thankful for my sleepy girls but also glad to have seen this man and his son. This dad was happy and enjoying his son. This made me happy too.

I had mentioned my pride about running. I am pleased about getting out early in the morning (with disjointed sleep that comes with newborn territory), about taking care of my body and about accomplishing this so soon after having a baby. Earlier in the week I see a mom friend out and I am impressed with her biceps, amazed at her back muscles and slightly jealous of her waist. She casually mentions doing a 10k at 3 months postpartum (pp). I was pretty happy with doing a 5k at 2 months pp after E was born! I talked to B about all this and how seeing her actually encourages me. I may never achieve quite her level of health (did I mention she is a rock climber and owns a rock gym?) But I know I can do more. Maybe I will help motivate someone else someday.

So much on the horizon

School is about to start up again. And right now I have that feeling of suffocation. Of the impending craziness that our lives will whirl into.

And also, about creating a new life.

I am a planner. It is just how I work. But I know this whole creating baby business doesn't always work the way you plan. And so I make allowance for that too.

Like, trying for a May/June 2011 baby but if it doesn't work out, taking a breaking and trying again for a Feb-June 2012 baby.

Why the gaps in time?

Mostly because I teach but also to try and stay home for the maximum time, get paid as much as I can and still go back to work at some point.

And I want to be able to enjoy the summers as much as I can.

Also, I don't want act or feel as crazy as I did when we conceived E. I was a lunatic. It worked out perfectly but the way I behaved was terrible. So hopefully I learned from that experiment.

Each summer I am off with the girls, proves to me how I have found the place that I am meant to be in. I love teaching and I love the time off with my girls. I am glad this life found me (because let's face it, I do love the whirling craziness!).

Tired of sick kids

The girls have two days of daycare left. I am not done teaching until next Wednesday but B and I came up with the idea for him to take three vacation days to save on money (we would've had to pay for the full week) and to give him time with them.

Today H stayed home with B because she was shaking and had a fever last night. E still went so B could try and work from home. Daycare calls B to talk about her GIGANTIC mosquito bite, which, if there is a way to inherit gross implosions from insect bites, she totally gets from my side. Then they call 'cause she has goopy eyes. Is it pink eye or isn't it? So, I get grouchy about all this and am close to freaking out because I really need to go to school and I know B wants to go to work. So, I start filing through the brain and think about my dad, currently laid off but dealing with the death of my cousin's husband. He says he can help but informs my of the death.

All this is just peachy, isn't it?

I can't wait to be off. I just want to give their immune systems a break. I want to give the part of my brain that swells when this kind of stress happens a little vacation. TWO. MORE. DAYS.

*Sigh, can we do it?

A taste of summer time

Yesterday we had out big annual BBQ. It is the kind of event that always takes a lot of time, hard work and preparation. The Friday before and all the time Saturday morning before the event begins is chaotic and stressful. And it doesn't help to have a motoring 1 year old (the 3.5 year old is helpful and plays by herself so she is, for the most part, and non factor). Luckily, my parents came to help and I have learned to take on the attitude that if we are still preparing when people start showing up it doesn't matter. I also believe as long as we have burgers cooking and the sangria made everything else will fall in to place.

This year was the best BBQ to date. B and I put some better systems in place and we were actually able to enjoy our party. And it seemed like everyone else did too. Last year, I felt so busy (oh yeah, the 1 year old was like, oh, I don't know, 3 weeks old) and like I didn't get to talk to anyone.

We always have a lot of babies and kids at our parties (that is just the age group we are in) and this year was no exception. I love all the little personalities and how 9-11 year olds were playing with 3 year olds. Little squirt guns are universal fun, apparently.

Originally, picked this weekend because it is B's birthday weekend (sometimes) and we always have a three day weekend. And that is making everything seem so relaxed and wonderful right now. We all woke up at 9am. That's right, my sweet little darlings did not wake us up. They might have been awake because there was much giggling and laughter and other sounds of joy coming from their room but they let us remain peaceful until we awake on our own.

So, we had a nice late breakfast of waffles and strawberries that B prepared (love this man!) and I worked on a little bit of kid laundry in the basement while H played. We all ate outside, which we all love and then I got a bug to start working on the backyard. I feel so productive and relaxed from my yard work and from my second sangria.

I have only 7 days of teaching left and then it is summer break. And, I feel like this is another good reason for having our BBQ now because it is such a lovely time to start welcoming summer time at our house. Sadly, summer break always seems to fly by. No worries for me, I looked forward to so many things. It makes it pretty awesome living this life.

Menstrual Cycle

I started my first cycle since July of 2008. That seems like such a long time. And, I have to say I am happy but completely out of practice! I forget to bring pads to the bathroom with me, which is silly. I really do want a Diva Cup but plan on getting pregnant in September so that seems like not enough time to figure it out. This is why I am happy I got my cycle back though. I want to know when I am ovulating so when can end up with a June 2011 baby. Crazy yes, but I am so excited to add to the family!

Having to take your baby to the hospital.

I should have wrote about this last weekend. I had tons of time, but I was either with E or sleeping or relaxing.

So, it is important to know she is fine now. I want to keep track of what happened.

Last Tuesday, as I was driving home from work, daycare called because E had a 101.4 temperature. I called Bruce immediately because that meant that one of us had to stay home with her the next day. I stopped at CVS to pick up a script for albuterol and then picked up both girls.

I spent that night before bed holding a very warm, very lazy baby. B stayed home with her but H still went to daycare so that B could still do some work at home.

By the time I got home, we both knew that E needed to see the Dr. the next day. B heard how laborious she was breathing when she was awake (she took several 2-3 hour naps) and I was worried because she only drank one 5oz bottle when she normally drinks 15-20 oz and only had 4 wet diapers in a 24-hour period (normally 6-8).

So B stayed home the next day too and took her to the Dr. After having two in house breathing treatments and an oral steroid E's breathing was still not improving and the amount of oxygen in her blood was around 85%. She was diagnosed with RSV. (Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), which causes infection of the lungs and breathing passages, is a major cause of respiratory illness in young children. More information here) Since she was not responding to the treatments the Dr. wanted her admitted to the hospital.

I do not know this yet, I am at work. But I have my phone on me and I keep checking my email. I just want information and I can handle anything as long as she is still here. This is just how my mind works, I worry about babies dying, as long as she is alive I can deal.

At this point I need to brag about B, once I got to the hospital all the nurses could not stop telling me how great B was. It really shows how in American society dad's are not a part of their children's lives. And that B rocks. He has no problems taking babies to the Dr.'s, it packed up expressed milk, cloth diapers and he even wore her into the hospital (makes perfect sense to keep the baby close to you and still have hands free, but that is how I operate with the two girls all the time).

I knew when I called him, he thought I was going to freak out about her going to the hospital. But, I felt like she was sick enough to be hospitalized. I also knew that as long as one of us was with her she would be well looked after.

The plan was for me to take the next day off, stay at the hospital that night and send B and H home. When I picked up H, I still took her to playgroup because I knew she needed to use her energy and I wanted her to have some fun. She did know that her sister was in the hospital and she took it in stride.

E was put on oxygen, which meant she had tubes in her nose to pump in the oxygen. B said at first she kept pushing the tubes out but between being tired and sick she finally left the tubes alone (for the most part).

When I first came into the hospital room my heart did ache when I saw her in the baby hospital gown and the oxygen tube but her sweet little face quickly caused me to go into mom mode. I just wanted to hold her.

Sleep was terrible for me but E did fairly well and the next morning indicated that she would not be going home that day either. The oxygen level was reduced to see if she could come off it, and she did not respond well. B and I arranged for us to switch that night so that I could get some good sleep and so H could spend some time with me. It was completely his idea and I was so grateful for the rest in my own bed. However, we both felt so strange in the house without the other. And it really speaks to how are family is four and so, when we are separated like that it feels fragmented.

I could write about how when B and H came to do the switch, B's parents came and all the drama that briefly surrounded them but lets just leave it as they stressed me out and I need to be more firm about certain situations. And, that they always have the best intentions.

What happened? Why didn't I finish?

Oh yea, dinner was ready!