Getting something off my back!

This is one of the zen stories that is told in Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth:

A Heavy Load:

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn't step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn't help her across the puddle.

The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn't thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.

As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn't even thank you!"

"I set the woman down hours ago," the older monk replied. "Why are you still carrying her?"

Ever since J was born we have had many negative reactions to having 3 girls. Things like, "Oh, I do not envy you!" "Wait until they are all teenagers!" "Boys are so much easier than girls!" "Can't your husband make boys!" Some of these on their own are not so bad but what has been so difficult is how many times we hear this kind of response when we say we have three girls.

Well, last Saturday we were at a event at the art museum and we saw a two mom family that we know from other activities we do in the community. Actually, we saw this same family at the Museum of Natural History on the day I had J. I was excited to share this piece of information with this family, especially the woman I seem to talk the most to, but instead she very quickly moved to gender and then said "Can't your husband make boys?" I was stunned. It has been weeks now since I have heard this type of comment (mostly because at this point I am sure everyone knows and either has said something negative or not) but I guess because of her orientation I didn't think this would be her reaction. I said something about no, we like to make people, and wandered off.

As I was looking at chalk drawings I could not stop thinking about it. Was she joking? Is there something else going on for her? I know I am sensitive to this reaction because of how much I have heard it. I can't believe she is intentional trying to be hurtful. But as a woman I don't understand the motivation. These comments are said in front of kids, in front of her daughter even. To me it sounds like, well good thing we got one boy because we already have one girl. Admittedly, this is probably my own filter and not her daughter's thinking. And, the greatest worry, that my daughters, will feel less, is probably also just adult construct.

If I back up, I can honestly admit that I really really really wanted a boy when we were pregnant with E. And we did not find out until she was born. I was not disappointed at all. Instead, I realized I was wrong. I was wrong that I needed a boy. I needed whatever awesome kid was coming along. She changed me. Maybe that is what I need to remember. Carry around that idea and let down this other interaction with gender.

I know that mom is not still thinking about what she said, so why am I? Hopefully writing it out will help me let it go. I think about if I see her again. What will I say? How will I not come off as aggressive? Just sincerely hurt and confused at her motivation to say that? But then wouldn't I be asking these questions in front of my girls? Does it give this interaction more power by continuing to bring it up?

While wrestling with all this I thought of the story from above. And I do want to let it go. I want to put this down and just walk away. And maybe that is what this posting is, me putting this done and walking away.

Hard Choices

Currently, I am home with all three kids. H is 4.5, E is 2 and J is almost 6 weeks old. I go back to work in about 3 months. That is not a hard choice for me. Though we do need my income, I feel like I am in this lone minority of moms who really like to work.

The hard choices seem hard in the moment. For example, because of the heat and the way the day turns I have been taking my showers at night before bed. At once this seemed like a good time to also take J in with me so she gets a rinse as well. So here comes the choice. As soon as the big girls hear I am taking a shower they want to join me. B, comes immediately to my aid, acknowledging that I need time alone. But I decided to let them join me. All fours of us at once. Does it sound crazy? It is a tiny bit but what part of my day isn't? Why did I make this choice? It was in the end easier. H will clean up by herself, which then E copies. Though they have been with mom all day, that still want more time, they might even consider this special time. It is a hard choice to make because it could have easily been a battle. B is always trying to make sure I take care of my mental self, he would fight for this time for me. And it makes sense that I would want a shower by myself. But this way is less stressful. And I don't mind that I am not by myself. It seems practical in the end. Less tears, saving time and water.

I have been desperately trying to run in the morning. To take care of my physically body. But this has been difficult with J's nursing schedule on top of a late going summer schedule. I have woke up a couple times to run in the morning but wish I could do it more. Like yesterday for example. So I made up my mind that I would run as soon as B got home from work. Once again, he would hold down the fort with no problem if I dug my heals in about wanting to go by myself. I mean, I was just pregnant it would sense that I need to take it easy. But I know that H is going to want to come with me. And then so will E. So I just planned on taking the double runner, prep snacks and make us ready. And it was fantastic. Sure, I got extra weight (how about we call it resistance) but I also get to talk to H almost the whole time (so many questions and thoughts about the world!). But best of all I have the sound of the two sweetest voices in the world chanting "Go mommy go! Wow you are a fast runner mommy! That was the best run yet mommy!" They do this all on their own.

I was just hoping for a nice run and for the girls not to be disappointed. But instead I was surprised about how much more I got from the run then just exercise. It isn't like I learned a lesson or love my children even more. It is more about human value and interaction. About how it can all work out for the better even when it takes a little more work.

I run

Today I ran for the second time since J has joined us. She will be five weeks old on Tuesday and I have a certain level of pride about working out again. I feel good running and thinking. I haven't even taken an ipod with me. I leave the driveway and my first thoughts are a mixture of strength and observation. I feel tall and strong and I think about how I am leaving my whole family behind me. So many times I over hear women talking about how they cannot leave their children. And sometimes it has this despite overwhelmed tone. And I know it is complicated. I know when I leave that B can take care of the girls all by himself. I know that I need these workouts. I know that I think about my girls while I am away but it is never sadly but instead I think of things to share with them. At one point during my run a squirrel was almost running along side of me and I spoke aloud to it "Okay squirrel! Make up your mind and get out of my way." Immediately I think about telling H about this conversation and the crazy squirrel. While out today I saw a dad and young son out and instantly I wonder if the girls are awake yet. The dad smiles at me and I say to him, "You must have gotten up early today" he laughs and nods, "Yep, 6:15" we both giggle and I am thankful for my sleepy girls but also glad to have seen this man and his son. This dad was happy and enjoying his son. This made me happy too.

I had mentioned my pride about running. I am pleased about getting out early in the morning (with disjointed sleep that comes with newborn territory), about taking care of my body and about accomplishing this so soon after having a baby. Earlier in the week I see a mom friend out and I am impressed with her biceps, amazed at her back muscles and slightly jealous of her waist. She casually mentions doing a 10k at 3 months postpartum (pp). I was pretty happy with doing a 5k at 2 months pp after E was born! I talked to B about all this and how seeing her actually encourages me. I may never achieve quite her level of health (did I mention she is a rock climber and owns a rock gym?) But I know I can do more. Maybe I will help motivate someone else someday.