Hard Choices

Currently, I am home with all three kids. H is 4.5, E is 2 and J is almost 6 weeks old. I go back to work in about 3 months. That is not a hard choice for me. Though we do need my income, I feel like I am in this lone minority of moms who really like to work.

The hard choices seem hard in the moment. For example, because of the heat and the way the day turns I have been taking my showers at night before bed. At once this seemed like a good time to also take J in with me so she gets a rinse as well. So here comes the choice. As soon as the big girls hear I am taking a shower they want to join me. B, comes immediately to my aid, acknowledging that I need time alone. But I decided to let them join me. All fours of us at once. Does it sound crazy? It is a tiny bit but what part of my day isn't? Why did I make this choice? It was in the end easier. H will clean up by herself, which then E copies. Though they have been with mom all day, that still want more time, they might even consider this special time. It is a hard choice to make because it could have easily been a battle. B is always trying to make sure I take care of my mental self, he would fight for this time for me. And it makes sense that I would want a shower by myself. But this way is less stressful. And I don't mind that I am not by myself. It seems practical in the end. Less tears, saving time and water.

I have been desperately trying to run in the morning. To take care of my physically body. But this has been difficult with J's nursing schedule on top of a late going summer schedule. I have woke up a couple times to run in the morning but wish I could do it more. Like yesterday for example. So I made up my mind that I would run as soon as B got home from work. Once again, he would hold down the fort with no problem if I dug my heals in about wanting to go by myself. I mean, I was just pregnant it would sense that I need to take it easy. But I know that H is going to want to come with me. And then so will E. So I just planned on taking the double runner, prep snacks and make us ready. And it was fantastic. Sure, I got extra weight (how about we call it resistance) but I also get to talk to H almost the whole time (so many questions and thoughts about the world!). But best of all I have the sound of the two sweetest voices in the world chanting "Go mommy go! Wow you are a fast runner mommy! That was the best run yet mommy!" They do this all on their own.

I was just hoping for a nice run and for the girls not to be disappointed. But instead I was surprised about how much more I got from the run then just exercise. It isn't like I learned a lesson or love my children even more. It is more about human value and interaction. About how it can all work out for the better even when it takes a little more work.

I run

Today I ran for the second time since J has joined us. She will be five weeks old on Tuesday and I have a certain level of pride about working out again. I feel good running and thinking. I haven't even taken an ipod with me. I leave the driveway and my first thoughts are a mixture of strength and observation. I feel tall and strong and I think about how I am leaving my whole family behind me. So many times I over hear women talking about how they cannot leave their children. And sometimes it has this despite overwhelmed tone. And I know it is complicated. I know when I leave that B can take care of the girls all by himself. I know that I need these workouts. I know that I think about my girls while I am away but it is never sadly but instead I think of things to share with them. At one point during my run a squirrel was almost running along side of me and I spoke aloud to it "Okay squirrel! Make up your mind and get out of my way." Immediately I think about telling H about this conversation and the crazy squirrel. While out today I saw a dad and young son out and instantly I wonder if the girls are awake yet. The dad smiles at me and I say to him, "You must have gotten up early today" he laughs and nods, "Yep, 6:15" we both giggle and I am thankful for my sleepy girls but also glad to have seen this man and his son. This dad was happy and enjoying his son. This made me happy too.

I had mentioned my pride about running. I am pleased about getting out early in the morning (with disjointed sleep that comes with newborn territory), about taking care of my body and about accomplishing this so soon after having a baby. Earlier in the week I see a mom friend out and I am impressed with her biceps, amazed at her back muscles and slightly jealous of her waist. She casually mentions doing a 10k at 3 months postpartum (pp). I was pretty happy with doing a 5k at 2 months pp after E was born! I talked to B about all this and how seeing her actually encourages me. I may never achieve quite her level of health (did I mention she is a rock climber and owns a rock gym?) But I know I can do more. Maybe I will help motivate someone else someday.