Having to take your baby to the hospital.

I should have wrote about this last weekend. I had tons of time, but I was either with E or sleeping or relaxing.

So, it is important to know she is fine now. I want to keep track of what happened.

Last Tuesday, as I was driving home from work, daycare called because E had a 101.4 temperature. I called Bruce immediately because that meant that one of us had to stay home with her the next day. I stopped at CVS to pick up a script for albuterol and then picked up both girls.

I spent that night before bed holding a very warm, very lazy baby. B stayed home with her but H still went to daycare so that B could still do some work at home.

By the time I got home, we both knew that E needed to see the Dr. the next day. B heard how laborious she was breathing when she was awake (she took several 2-3 hour naps) and I was worried because she only drank one 5oz bottle when she normally drinks 15-20 oz and only had 4 wet diapers in a 24-hour period (normally 6-8).

So B stayed home the next day too and took her to the Dr. After having two in house breathing treatments and an oral steroid E's breathing was still not improving and the amount of oxygen in her blood was around 85%. She was diagnosed with RSV. (Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), which causes infection of the lungs and breathing passages, is a major cause of respiratory illness in young children. More information here) Since she was not responding to the treatments the Dr. wanted her admitted to the hospital.

I do not know this yet, I am at work. But I have my phone on me and I keep checking my email. I just want information and I can handle anything as long as she is still here. This is just how my mind works, I worry about babies dying, as long as she is alive I can deal.

At this point I need to brag about B, once I got to the hospital all the nurses could not stop telling me how great B was. It really shows how in American society dad's are not a part of their children's lives. And that B rocks. He has no problems taking babies to the Dr.'s, it packed up expressed milk, cloth diapers and he even wore her into the hospital (makes perfect sense to keep the baby close to you and still have hands free, but that is how I operate with the two girls all the time).

I knew when I called him, he thought I was going to freak out about her going to the hospital. But, I felt like she was sick enough to be hospitalized. I also knew that as long as one of us was with her she would be well looked after.

The plan was for me to take the next day off, stay at the hospital that night and send B and H home. When I picked up H, I still took her to playgroup because I knew she needed to use her energy and I wanted her to have some fun. She did know that her sister was in the hospital and she took it in stride.

E was put on oxygen, which meant she had tubes in her nose to pump in the oxygen. B said at first she kept pushing the tubes out but between being tired and sick she finally left the tubes alone (for the most part).

When I first came into the hospital room my heart did ache when I saw her in the baby hospital gown and the oxygen tube but her sweet little face quickly caused me to go into mom mode. I just wanted to hold her.

Sleep was terrible for me but E did fairly well and the next morning indicated that she would not be going home that day either. The oxygen level was reduced to see if she could come off it, and she did not respond well. B and I arranged for us to switch that night so that I could get some good sleep and so H could spend some time with me. It was completely his idea and I was so grateful for the rest in my own bed. However, we both felt so strange in the house without the other. And it really speaks to how are family is four and so, when we are separated like that it feels fragmented.

I could write about how when B and H came to do the switch, B's parents came and all the drama that briefly surrounded them but lets just leave it as they stressed me out and I need to be more firm about certain situations. And, that they always have the best intentions.

What happened? Why didn't I finish?

Oh yea, dinner was ready!

Breastfeeding help

There are certain issues within child-rearing (especially these early years) that can cause emotional arguments. I probably knew I would breastfeed before I became pregnant but it wasn't something I thought about frequently. And yet, it is something that is very important to me. Recently, I have been thinking about my relationship with breastfeeding because of a friend's current struggle.

For me, it is important to think about how I got to where I am today. And, I have a fascination with starting from the beginning. My biggest influence is my mom. She nursed all 3 of us for 2 years each (and my sister and I are 13 months a part so some that is two kids at once). My mom also stayed home with us and money was tight. But, it is not like I grew up hearing stories of breastfeeding or even seeing anyone doing it.

I really connected with my mom again when I became pregnant with H. When I found out I was pregnant, I was in the middle of my intense 13 month master education program. I was working, student-teaching, finishing classes and writing my research. But, I was also very sick, scared and excited. So I would talk to my mom all the time.

I also read everything I could. Even those, "What to expect when you are expecting" books (that for some reason so many people hate but I don't really mind them). I knew that breastfeeding could be hard. I knew that my baby and I would be learning together. But it was one of things that just made sense to me. If my body makes milk, I should give it to my baby. Design and function. I could careless about what people thought we should do. I had enough under my belt that I felt secure.

So H was born, I brought her to the breast immediately and the rest is history.

Ha! There is always more to a story (and sometimes there is less). I have a theory that my milk comes in quickly because of how much I try to nurse my babies but, that is just a theory. I know the help B gave me those first four weeks were invaluable as well. He changed all the diapers, let me sleep when I needed to and took the baby when she wouldn't nurse but was still crying. He rocks, but that is a whole other post.

After those initial weeks, I think breastfeeding is the easiest thing. It does mean I am in charge of feeding but it is for such a short amount of time (in terms of life span). Since I work full time, I also pump for my babies so it doesn't mean I am literally tied to my child either.

So here I am, baby number two. The beginning period was shorter (like the first 2 weeks were hard), I have over 100 ounces in the freezer, and we are coming up on nines months. For the most part, I don't really think about breastfeeding.

I reconnected with an old friend from High School who was pregnant this last time with me (her baby is 7 weeks younger). I love sharing any insight I have about parenting and she has lots of questions. In the beginning of her breastfeeding journey, I feel like I talked her off the edge of quitting breastfeeding. She was having normal issues: feeling like her baby was not getting enough milk and being sleep deprived. And, I knew breastfeeding was important to her. After she got through her rough patch she called to tell me how thankful she was for my help.

For the last two months her baby has been losing weight. Not huge amounts but still worrisome. At the pediatricians last week, they said she needed to use formula.

I am in no way anti-formula. But, I don't understand how there is something magically in formula to make him start gaining weight. And, as always, breastfeeding her son is important to her.

I had offered her some of my milk before. I have extra and I understand how important this is to her. Yesterday, she called to tell me how much food he had ate. She wants to come by for some of my milk. If he doesn't start gaining after two weeks of more food and extra milk, she will give him formula.

She said she feels like a failure.

She told me, "You know you would too if you had to give your baby formula."

And, I hope I wouldn't. I see how hard she is trying, I see how much energy she is putting into this. I have so much respect for how hard she is trying to make this work.

Should she have given formula sooner?

I don't think that is a fair questions. When you want to breastfeed, giving formula can be the beginning of the end of that relationship. Milk production is all about supply and demand.

Can a baby have both?

Absolutely.

I have a huge problem with this all or nothing approach that it seems people sometimes view the world.

But I tend to like to view the world on more of a spectrum bases anyways.

I am not sure how to end this post.

And it has taken me a long time to write this too.

I am sure I will have more ideas about this topic and will of course update about her situation.

Just mom, not supermom

Frequently, women friends call me supermom.

They will list off what I do as an example of how super I am. The problem is that they seem to get mad at me about. And, say things like, "Oh, well don't expect me to do that, I am not Amanda, I am not super mom!"

It feels like a backwards compliment and like girl bullshit.

And, it just isn't true.

Sure, I get stuff done but ultimately we do what works best for our family.

Anytime ladies call me this I tell them, if I am supermom it is only because of my super-husband and the great support system I have.

Bruce does not have any imaginary lines drawn about what men do and what women do in a household or in a marriage. He gets stuff done. We both have each other's backs.

For example, he takes the girls to daycare because teaching starts much earlier for me. Evey uses cloth at diaper care, so everyday we have to make sure there is a stack ready to go. (In someways we make more work for ourselves because of cloth but once again this works for us)

I try to make sure the bag is ready to go as soon as I get home. And Bruce? Well, he makes me breakfast while I am pumping in the morning and makes me lunch. Yesterday when I got home I saw on the counter all the pumping bottles had been washed. He rocks.

Our families are also very involved and help both Bruce and I to be on top of our game. When I have Parent-Teacher conferences in the next several weeks, my mom will come and pick the girls up so Bruce doesn't have to rush (these are long days for me like 7am-8pm).

We even left both girls with my parents for two days to have some time alone. This is important for us and we feel it is important for our kids to have other adult relationships, especially with the grandparents.

I also realized yesterday how our neighbor is part of our village (that helps to raise our children). Hadley often likes to play with the neighbor girl, who is 7, and the mom encourages me to go home and get stuff done.

So, my message?

I am luckily and blessed.

But, I still have too much dirt around my house and never get to the gym anymore to be called supermom.

And I am tired of other women putting their insecurities in my direction.

Now I am off to clean while the husband has the big girl grocery shopping with him.

Why I am a working mom:

1. I do not like being overwhelmed by housework.

I just returned to teaching after an extended summer break (so four months total) and while loved, loved, loved being home with the girls, there was almost never time to get anything done. Obviously, I do not have more time now. But there is something about having less time that makes you want to get more done, or at the very least, use your time more wisely. But mostly, when I was home I felt like it was my job to get more done. When both of us work it makes sense that we both do work. And, I have a sweet husband, in that he does everything. And that means he does what ever needs to be done.

2. I need an outlet.

This is also why teaching is perfect for me. I get the interaction and challenge that I want but also get lots of time off with the kids.

3. That is all I can think of right now and the baby is crawling away on me.

But oh yeah, I would love to test different vaccums and actaully own one that does a good, no! great job.

Why kill a baby animal?

After dinner we decided to take a walk. As we approached the High School there were two girls standing on the sidewalk throwing rocks at something in the grass.

It was a baby robin. As soon as I realized what they were doing I started protesting.

"Don't hurt that bird!"

The one girl stop but was laughing nervously. The other girl, barely glanced up at us and continued on with what she was doing.

Bruce got angry pretty quickly and told them to get out of here.

They didn't. And the one girl still wanted to throw rocks at the bird. While we were standing there. While our girls were there.

There was a lot of yelling and the situation was maddening. The same girl picked up another rock and that was when I pulled out my phone to call the non emergency number. Not because I wanted to call the police but because nothing was working and now (after threatening to hurt us physically) she was picking up another rock.

This worked and they went away.

But Bruce and I were shaken.

I want answers. I want to know why they would do this, but more importantly how our mere presence did not make them stop. Why was this something they didn't have guilt about?

Was race an issue? Could we have approached the situation differently with better results? So frustrating.

In other news, today is our wedding anniversary. 3 years! And Evey is 3 months today!

Last night, Bruce and I started roughly planning out our stay-cation (the girls are spending two nights with my folks! Evey's first sleep over!) and I am so excited. I have been pumping for about 2 and a half weeks and have over 100 ounces! I am feeling like I am running out of time as the school year looms closer and closer. And it is filled with a mixture of worry and excitement.

Can always count on change around here.

Food is important to me

So the other day, I am watching tv (not something we do a lot of, a now that it is the new digital tv maybe even less, because, yes, we are those people who DON'T HAVE CABLE) and there is a commercial for Yoplait's WHips yogurts. It is a normal commercial and it barely has my attention but then they show at the very end, for like 10 seconds the idea of putting one in the freezer. And, all of a sudden, I want one, like right now. And because I am a new mom, trying to watch the baby pounds slip off but also ravenously hungry because A.) I can eat found, unlike during the pregnancy and B.) making milk takes a lot of freakin' calories (or so I tell myself).

Today I was telling another new mom about them. I should work for Yoplait. Hey, ya want me to do a commercial? Ha

Why don't I write more?

I am on the computer everyday, so why have I not added more?

First of all, I only have two followers. Two guys that I know nothing about. Guess that is the internet for ya.

Second, is because I have so much to say and so little. Ya know what I am saying?

So yesterday I made dinner and Bruce can home to a meal ready in like 5 minutes after he was through the door. I wanted to go to the gym, Bruce was ecstatic and did everything he needed to do to make sure it happened. I did the elliptical machine on the hill setting for 30 minutes with a 5 minute cool down. I also did some reverse dips. I am in sore in all the right ways today.

But the thing is Bruce got so much put away while I was gone for an hour. He folded the piles of laundry (and our horrid sock mountain!) and kept the girls entertained. I start out good in the morning, but always lose stream by nap time.

But today has been a better day. I took Hadley to the park, organized and resorted Evey's clothes (she is no longer in the 0-3 or even the 3-6, more like 6 and 6-9months clothes) and we watered plants outside. I just want to do some yoga and clean the kitchen and made so floors during Hadley's nap. We shall see.

We have a street fair tonight that I am very excited about. Life is good, there is always so much going on.